A couple of weeks ago, my husband (Paul -- you should know him by name as he is likely to come up frequently in my blogs as are other members of my family especially my daughter, Samantha -- I hope to meet some of yours as well. Anyway, Paul and I were meeting a long-time friend and her newest boyfriend at a restaurant for dinner. We were there first (unusual) and my friend called to say they were running a little late because John was watching the end of some football game (which we had actually been watching earlier in the day). When they walked in, we did introductions and hugs and handshaking all around. When things quieted down, I asked John a question about the score of the game; he told us and I asked what did that mean (inferring that it had a meaning in relation to future games, championships, etc.)? He got my meaning but turned to my husband, gave a big wink, and said: "Well, scoring means something very different to men than it does to women, right, Paul?" My friend and I gave each other one of those sideways glances that you think no one can see, Paul did not comment but laughed a little, and the conversation quickly turned to another topic. However, Paul asked me later if I caught the gendered remark and its inference about men and women and I said: "Do you know who you are married to?" Of course I noticed.
John's remark might seem trivial to some but I was surprised that gender entered the conversation so explicitly, so early and in such a traditional way - of course, gender assumptions are always present and perceptions of what it means to be male, female, transgendered, etc. are also always present. John Searle's theory of "speech acts" looks at something someone says in terms of a speaker's intentions and the effects it has on a listener. Speech acts can function a performances that create a moral bond between speakers which is what I think John's intention was (and Paul thought the same thing although he called it "male bonding"). The only problem is, it didn't work -- Paul felt an emotional distance as a result of the remark rather than bonded, the "we are in this together, hey, buddy?" And it had a similar impact on me. Communication and gender includes all kinds of assumptions regarding who is with you and in what capacity -- when those assumptions break down, communication is, at the very least, side-tracked. I wonder about the social and cultural processes that come into play to change foundational assumptions over time?
